Fire-eater

Kaddish for my Sister(Emily Miriam)

I’m sorry I ignored you through
my injections and infections and
my expecting to witness
a mitzvah, a divining,
but only prescription-pill whining
designing addictions, afflictions
and all contradictions
cultivating dissension
in my attempt to be sentient
I lament my dementia
so far
wading through brownest of tar
with syringes and a fig leaf
I don’t own a car
so I went to repent, retire to my tent
and understood for the first time
that we are the point
and that we alone have the power to anoint
but kept your memory out in the rain
and still I know in the midst of my pain
that you always behave
so at my request, they took you to Dave’s.
He proved himself prophet of bread,
that’s what’s said
and he showed me to bend slip and clay
right into a bowl or cup to shepherd my dreams
just got up
late afternoon
and found that I had a lyre(liar)
in my throat
so then I played the notes
that you wrote
and here, I was saved, though still you’re at Dave’s.
I hope you’re able to barter my old tumors,
my old rumors
and sink them like tombs
or forgotten old runes
or the moth on the floor
swept under the door.
If only for one minute, could I borrow your wings…
(to audience)Can you hear her? She sings!
(arms out, suitcase, umbrella, child’s coat) Here’s her things
that I meant to drop off. Some’s still wet,
it’s my fault.
It was I who started with the squirt-gun assault.
I loved being a child with you
and our whole days at the zoo(Pottawatomie).
But I fell again(I’m sorry),
distracted by Hell
again(I’m sorry)
and with the gold that you gave me
I bought bells of tin
and you’ve got to believe me(I’m sorry),
I know it’s a sin.
This will be the very last one
I’ll acquire this week
Emily,(hands up) please don’t touch my cheek
please pardon my stink
and the piss in the sink(you shouldn’t come here, babe)
I reek.
Did you peek
at the offering I bought you?
Sometimes I taught you,
but mostly distraught you
back, now, to the zoo~
me and you
—maybe two,
a virtuoso pretender
kung-fu fighting the fender that
I dented
and could have prevented (mom was so mad)
this interruption, this mutiny
your scrutiny is a gift that
I’ll take to the grave
where you went, without being sent
Need my tent? I’ll pay rent.
Are you sure your allotment of life with me’s spent?
Not by far
over-taxed by some Czar
and I wasn’t expecting this
or prepared for this
you I miss,
so don’t think that I chose to pull curtains closed
those beseeching brown eyes, like a gorgeous dead rose
there she goes… .
and I froze.
completely(I’m so sorry).

What was left is a chance to thaw in my cave
and I made arrangements that you’ll stay with King Dave
even in his folly,
it is written he saves
so I spend life in my brain, baking bricks as his slave
and already gave him the offering I bought you
still pray that he caught you
and that he’s aware of the fact that I fell
and disrupts my rapid descent into Hell
can he even tell?
Either way,
I still pray
and someday
I hope you’ll return, and ‘til then I’ll nurse my burns
and my happiness I’ll earn
and I promise I’ll learn
to discern
suicide from salvation
maybe someday be the father of nations, like Abraham
guided in life by your illumination.
Shekhinah, Ha Shem, look after my Em.
I implore you, adore her
and her efforts assist
and
I will be pissed
if she is not crowned
and mark my words—
next to me,
Lucifer curls on the ground.
Trust me, I fed him well
and I demand to trade Hell
for all the trees climbed
just to hang handmade bells.
Just know I’ll come soon, you’ll know by the Moon.
I’ll make Aaliyah.
I’ll see ya.
A’men.